“The terrorized child within us” & Me
Posted March 24, 2017on:
“But how hard is it , when we are struggling with fears, to think beyond ourselves and the present moment. Even the most responsible of us is not in a learning mode on those days, days which sometimes stretch into years, years when the quiet voice of reason is drowned out by the cries of the terrorized child within us.” — Lillian Smith from The Journey.
I discovered that quote in a separate book, The Firebrand and the First Lady that I read last night about Pauli Murray and First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt, who developed quite a friendship that began in the 1930s. Murray, a young African American woman, wrote letters to the First Lady on issues important to her, primarily race relations and opportunities for all.
In the book about Murray, I was at the point where the firebrand was in the hospital and discovered that quote, which I assume but do not know for sure, was related to race relations. I was taken by the quote because it was on the same day that I learned the results of my scans done on Wednesday.
Spoiler Alert: results were as good as they can be at this point – stable. All that junk inside me has not advanced. Has it gone away? No. But I’m told stable is a victory. I hope I have a medical dynasty of stability that stretches into years, and that the quiet voice of reason – and for me – humor, is not drowned out by the terrorized child within me.
If you know me or have been following me, you know that my mode for dealing with stuff scary and unpleasant stuff is to make jokes. I had the scans on Wednesday, and was supposed to see my oncologist this morning, but she has been out sick all week. The clinic called yesterday and asked if I could instead come in yesterday to see another oncologist. I did.
Did the need to talk to me mean it was horrible or just to explain and touch base? I worked through it during the day trying to convince myself that having the appointment did not mean bad news. I went with my son to the oncologist’s visit as Dick had to work.
Now the terrified child yesterday tries to stay calm – I took an extra anti-anxiety pill to still my beating heart. I do make jokes, but it was clear that it was not a good day for learning. It is hard to hear things when you are that scared child.
The doctor, who did not appear to know how to take my humor, said it was a win. To be stable is a win. He also told me he hoped it would stay stable for a very long time. Deal. And let me say the relief when he said that was palpable.
He also was puzzled about why I asked if I could go to my granddaughter’s fourth birthday party and whether I could participate in a Story Guild’s story slam called Luna. I can do both. I should do both.
He said the thing about the drug I take is that even though “Phils” are down once again the risk of low white cells and nuetrophils seems to be lower with this drug than with tradiational chemotherapy that I had before. I can still fight infections despite having a mere 750 Phils to call my own.
So I should get out more than I have. Be careful, wear a mask when around sick people, but enjoy my life. I think that extra information on the neutrophils is helpful. I will be out more with my hand sanitizer and mask (to wear if people are sick around me).
So come out on April 1st to the Bluff Country Story Telling Guild’s Luna which being on April Fool’s has a foolery them. I will be telling a story called “The Mark’s mark.” Whose fool am I? You have to listen to find out.
Read more here about Luna: http://bit.ly/2nkuOyj.